So much to think on lately…. does anyone else ever feel like if they only knew- their niche, their purpose… what they are perfectly apt and created to do…. they would be fine? I do. All the time. But… my mind has been forced to conjure the true meanings of these things lately. It’s like our culture is just spoonfeeding us with images of success and what we should be and look like. Oh, and don’t forget… if you aren’t any higher on the todem pole than “that,” you might as well be a nobody. Which leads me to realize- that is really hard for me. A nobody? A person that does not NEED to be recognized, complimented, patsied, babied or told “do you know how cool you are?” But i’m not. I openly admit it. I care about my image. About the way others see me- about how they perceive me and what I tell people when they ask about my life. Because after all, often-times I’m so wrapped up in me that I begin choking on my own insecurites. I know, that was really dramatic- and i don’t feel that way but know that I should.
And- sometimes i struggle and wonder. With the idea that others are getting ahead of me in this crazy rat race of life. Why am I stuck here? Why am I not farther down this road of success? Why does fame happen to some and others are just forced to live an everyday life and ultimately die and the world goes on turning just fine without them? Morbid. yes, but i do. And greatness. I want that too- so much sometimes that I wonder if that is the goal more than just the enjoyment of what was my initial passion. And really success, as my mother reminds, is just a by-product of a lot of hard work.
And sometimes there are really ugly things in my heart. It’s hard to watch others do well and feel like you deserve more than you have. But that’s Satan working on my heart…. like erosion little by little. He causes me to see what others have and want that so badly where I run feverishly toward a goal. And I can know from advice and God, that I wouldn’t feel complete once I did get it. though, I’ll admit… my heart feels that if… i… could… just…. reach… that…. i’d…. be… happy….
the thrill of the chase- and I want what I don’t or feel I can’t have. Why is that always so tempting? And I have often lived in the future.. not here, now- but way up there ahead- before everyone else gets there. But really, right now. I can be happy right now. It should be in my soul- acceptance that what I am where God would have me right now. And with that, I should seize opportunities that He gives me each day.
I have a lot to learn about contentment. And realizing that when things don’t go my way, I don’t get to stamp my feet like a three-year-old and God just hands it to me and says “Ok Leah, you’re right. You deserve this.” And growing up is hard, and it never ends. But keeping in mind how immensely blessed I am does a lot to change that attitude. And maybe shutting out more of the world through magazines, television and lighting my heart with God’s Word will keep me in the right place.
just some thoughts..